XXI Century Masculinity

Imagine this: I ask you to cook a Thanksgiving turkey and tell you it must be tender, salty, and flavorful; it must have a hint of spices and cilantro, but it must not taste sweet or feel mushy. You have tasted turkeys like this your whole life because this is exactly what your parents used to make, so that should be easy, right? Let’s say you cook the turkey and after watching cooking videos online, talking to friends and asking for tips, and spending hours in the kitchen, you finally deliver your tender turkey with a touch of curry and cilantro. But that was not the turkey I asked you to cook. You see, I wanted something with a slight crunch, a more herbal taste, and just a bit bittersweet. And you would be right to tell me I was not specific enough, clear enough, helpful enough. In fact, you should tell me the turkey I envisioned was just about impossible to deliver. But you won’t. Instead, you will keep trying to cook my turkey and failing to satisfice my demands; nothing will be good enough, clear enough, or specific enough and I will always ask for a little extra something. Why am I telling you this? Because this is the problem with XXI century masculinity.

Our western culture and society uphold an outdated and almost fetich-like model of masculinity that impedes boys and men from reaching their full potential. We provide them with idealistic “alpha-male” examples, overwhelm them with cliché phrases such as “big boys don’t cry,” and still expect them to respect women, communicate effectively, control aggression levels, the list goes on… Early on, we teach boys to mask their feelings and vulnerability and signal that physical pain is something they must endure, regardless of how unhealthy and unrealistic this may be. For instance, in a study of paternal behavior differences, fathers experienced the same amount of pleasure when their daughters showed happiness as when their sons showed no emotions at all (Mascaro, Rentscher, Hackett, Mehl, & Rilling, 2017). Masculinity prevents men from expressing feelings in their male friendships even though boys who feel permission to process deeper emotional experiences have higher levels of future emotional and physical well-being than those who do not (Johnson, Caskey, Rand, Tucker, & Vohr, 2014). And while we tell boys to repress their emotions, we also legitimize their aggressive behaviors by blaming them on higher testosterone levels, despite the fact that social context (rather than testosterone) exaggerates the aggression already present (Sapolsky, 1998).

But men are doing fine overall, right? If only that were true… The rotten masculinity our society often subscribes to is driving crime, misogyny, lower academic achievement, and mood disorders. When Langman (2020) profiled men convicted of murders, he found that every single school shooter experienced body-image issues, lacked empathy, was quick to react aggressively, and felt entitled. Beyond mental illness, which criminologist Madifs (2014) claims is a lot less prevalent than often assumed, school shooters have frequently experienced what Langman names “damaged masculinity” and their sense of worth comes from shame (Langman, 2020; Gilligan, 2003). Boys who grow up prevented from showing weakness and vulnerability end up resenting women – who are allowed to experience these things – and those who practice hypermasculine attitudes are more likely to abuse their romantic partners (Reiner, 2020; McCauley, 2014). Masculinity is not only associated with lower GPA but resisting emotion expression increases one’s risk of mood disorders such as depression (Yavorsky, Buchmann, & Miles, 2015; Ford, Lam, John, & Mauss, 2018). Men may look fine, but they are co-existing with masculinity at the expense of their psychological and physiological health and the problem is so embedded in our society that we don’t even see it (Lieberman et al., 2007).

Dax Shepard, often a symbol of the alpha-male, describes masculinity as “unilaterally destructive for all of us,” as “there doesn’t seem to be an equal acknowledgment that we suffer enormously from it.” (Grant, 2021, 38:00). Like the turkey you failed to cook, Dax Shepard explains that men are also the victims of masculinity and of “the feeling that you’re never living up to it, that you haven’t achieve it, that you’re a failure.” (Grant, 2021, 38:00). Just as feminism is not hatred for men but equal opportunities and rights, masculinity should not sacrifice men by containing them in a narrow and unrealistic box. And during the age of feminism, we must provide boys with the needed tools to achieve their full potential and recognize that the latter must not be limited to traditional gender roles.

If you are not convinced yet but, somehow, we may have touched a nerve (though you will not admit to it because you are not allowed to), please read Better Boys, Better Men, by Andrew Reiner. But before you think we only bring problems to the table, here’s a solution worth mentioning: Socio-Emotional Learning.

The term Socio-Emotional Learning, also known as SEL, emerged from a 1994 meeting hosted by the Fetzer Institute, where researchers, educators, and child advocates worked to promote positive development in children (“History,” CASEL). SEL provides children and adults with the skills needed for relationships and work, such as recognizing and managing emotions, caring for others, building positive relationships, making responsible decisions, and ethically and constructively handling challenging situations (CASEL, 2007). Students in SEL curriculums develop greater motivation to learn and a connection to school and improve attendance, their behavior in the classroom, and graduation rates (Durlak, Weissberg, Dymnicki, Taylor, & Schellinger, 2011). These students also experience lower rates of depression, anxiety, stress, and social withdrawal, and are less likely to respond aggressively (Durlak, Weissberg, Dymnicki, Taylor, & Schellinger, 2011). Through SEL, we teach children that it is okay to be emotional, that it does not make you weak but rather honest and human, and that recognizing these emotions may be the difference between starting a conversation and grabbing a gun (Reiner, 2020).

The mechanism behind SEL is best explained by Lieberman et al.’s study (2007), where participants who used words to describe an angry expression in a photograph activated the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex and saw a decreased response in the amygdala. This is particularly important because the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex is associated with response inhibition and goal-appropriate response selection, such that activating it promotes rational responses (Aron, Robbins, & Poldrack, 2004). On the other hand, the amygdala is where fear-based reactions originate, such that decreasing its response mitigates impulsive actions (Reiner, 2020). In other words, “in the same way you hit the brake when you’re driving when you see a yellow light, when you put feelings into words, you seem to be hitting the brakes on your emotional responses” (Lieberman et al., 2007).

If this sounds promising, apply these tips to help your child: take their emotional temperature and teach them mindfulness techniques. Amid the pandemic and national orders to take children’s body temperature before entering the school, Margarida Silveira Rodrigues has coined the term “taking one’s emotional temperature” to showcase the importance of checking in with our feelings. At Raiz International Active Learning School, children begin their classes by tuning in with their feelings and sharing them with the class, if they choose to do so. “I feel happy,” “I’m feeling frustrated,” “I feel sad,” and “I’m feeling excited” are common phrases which precede children’s description of their needs. Margarida explains that once children have acknowledged their feelings (regardless of whether they verbalized them), it is important to encourage them to identify what they might need. For instance, a child who says, “I feel sad” may follow up with “I need a hug” or “I need to talk with a friend.” Repeating this exercise signals the value of expressing our feelings and empowers children to problem solve to respond to their feelings and needs, such that as they grow older, remaining in touch with their feelings becomes as normal as having breakfast or sleeping at night. Even if your child has yet to enroll in an SEL curriculum, teaching them mindfulness techniques may prove tremendously advantageous. Mindfulness practice and meditation prevent reactivity and improve clear thinking and problem solving due to neuroplasticity – the brain’s ability to adapt and reroute synaptic conduits and connections due to behavioral and environmental changes (Reiner, 2020; Fine, 2017).

All is not lost. Once we identify the culprit, it becomes easier to address the issue. So, encourage your child to find a masculine identity that allows them to “to love and take healthy risks without fear; gives [them] greater emotional resiliency; finds strength in vulnerability; gives [them] deeper strength and courage; teaches [them] to be accountable to [themselves] and to others; and allows [them] to experience the full range of [their] deeper emotional life—the full spectrum of [their] humanity—without apology” (Reiner, 2020). Helping boys helps girls, women, men, and humans at large.

References:

Aron, A. R., Robbins, T. W., & Poldrack, R. A. (2004). Inhibition and the right inferior frontal cortex. Trends in cognitive sciences, 8(4), 170–177. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2004.02.010

CASEL. (2007, December). Background on Social and Emotional Learning (SEL). CASEL briefs. https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED505362.pdf

Durlak, J. A., Weissberg, R. P., Dymnicki, A. B., Taylor, R. D., & Schellinger, K. B. (2011). The impact of enhancing students’ social and emotional learning: A meta‐analysis of school‐based universal interventions. Child development, 82(1), 405-432.

Fine, C. (2017). Testosterone rex: Unmaking the myths of our gendered minds. Icon Books.

Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(6), 1075.

Gilligan, J. (2003). Shame, guilt, and violence. Social Research: An International Quarterly, 70(4), 1149-1180.

Grant, Adam (Host). (2021, May 04). Dax Shepard Doesn’t Believe in Regret [Audio Podcast episode].In Work Life. TED. open.spotify.com/episode/4O79J6yN2RjMn4dOUmg2RI?si=P1ifUykfTCOfEDALPfoeTA.

History. CASEL. (n.d.). https://casel.org/history/.

Johnson, K., Caskey, M., Rand, K., Tucker, R., & Vohr, B. (2014). Gender differences in adult-infant communication in the first months of life. Pediatrics, 134(6), e1603-e1610.

Langman, P. (2020). Desperate identities: A bio‐psycho‐social analysis of perpetrators of mass violence. Criminology & Public Policy, 19(1), 61-84.

Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words. Psychological science, 18(5), 421-428.

Madfis, E. (2014). The risk of school rampage: Assessing and preventing threats of school violence. Springer.

Mascaro, J. S., Rentscher, K. E., Hackett, P. D., Mehl, M. R., & Rilling, J. K. (2017). Child gender influences paternal behavior, language, and brain function. Behavioral neuroscience, 131(3), 262.

McCauley, H. L., Jaime, M. C. D., Tancredi, D. J., Silverman, J. G., Decker, M. R., Austin, S. B., Jones, K., & Miller, E. (2014). Differences in adolescent relationship abuse perpetration and gender-inequitable attitudes by sport among male high school athletes. Journal of Adolescent Health, 54(6), 742-744.

Sapolsky, R. M. (1998). The trouble with testosterone: And other essays on the biology of the human predicament. Simon and Schuster.

Yavorsky, J., Buchmann, C., & Miles, A. (2015). High school boys, gender, and academic achievement: Does masculinity negatively impact boys’ grade point averages. Ohio State University.

By: Teresa Aires & Margarida Silveira Rodrigues